Review: PS VITA!!!!1!!

Well, I got it day one, so I decided to act on it a month later.

Just gonna say from the start: IF YOU CAN AFFORD A GAMING LAPTOP, BUY THAT.
Otherwise, this machine will fill the void the 3ds narrowly doesn't.

Now to start the first thing you notice when you turn it on, the PS logo shines so beauteously
that I am almost given a sense of hope for humanity, although not quite.
this is a nice screen, shiny and bright with just enough pixls to display a nifty
little game, it display UMVC3 quite nicely. If you were to play a round of
BlazBlue you would notice this thing has the best D-pad ever, clicky, and conjoined
at the center unlike the trashy one on the Duelshock 3. The duel nubs, oh how
I weeped with joy when I heard them call my name, they open up a world of
possibilities with their mere existance, although stubby they might be they
pop back into position quite nicely, though there are no FPSs to cut our teeth
on at launch. I blame the lamas, always strutting about with there no upper teeth
and there bushy tails, bigots.

The OS of the vita is acceptable, but has
many kinks in it, you cannot run a game and the web browser at once, can't watch
Youtubes and and the browser itself sucks yoshi eggs. The touch screen is as
responcive as anything I have used and if you need a dedicated handheld with more kick than a 3ds, this is it.

8.7/10 or in other words 8.7

TOP 7 DS GAMES, HIPSTER STYLE

Remember those days when everything didn't have touch screens and the DS was actually innovative? Probably not, and if you are not a loser you probably already heard of a 3ds, which is what I use to play my emulators, And the PS VITA coming out in 7 days, which I am very exited for. Now to the point. I am going to count down my 7 favorite games, which Are bit off from everyone else's opinion, for the NDS so that it can rest in peace. Now this list asumes you know something about gaming and already have heard of the games. here I go

7). GTA Chinatown Wars

This game is like the first top down GTA since that horrid one one the GBA, It lasted me quite some time, killing the innocent, stealing cars, diggin' dildos outa dumpsters... A whole bundle of fun, and I always wanted to be Asian.

6). 999

Ever play one of those LucasArts point and click adventures? No? Well have you ever spent time play browser games on Newgrounds or Kongregate. Well you have probably played a point and click escape game, and thats exactly what this game is. Also if you don't like reading, this game is like 60% reading...

5). Rayman DS

What? a 3d platformer on DS? BLASPHEMY! But seriously this game is great, even though it is a port, it is still excellent. You may be thinking "Waaaah, D-pad, Boohoo! Well this game came out first on PSone so it was designed for it. Why didn't they make more 3d platformers for ds?

4). Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Now this is a good one, as I often feel like killing myself...Wait, what? Never mind... Anyway this game makes the DS look like a lagitment platform for games, which it isn't! This particular KH game is so good because they almost completely ignore the Disney side...Byay!

3). Super Card DSTWO

Now this isn't really a game, but it is a flashcart. It allows you emulators of SNES, GBA, NES, Sega, anything of equal or lesser power. It also runs homebrews, like DoomDS and till Alive DS. If you Are feeling like a privateer you can run *cough* Backup *cough*

2). Picross 3d

The only puzzle game in my list, and for a reason. This isn't like those boring, five hour long games of sudoku, or those actiony but don't make you thing games like Bejeweled. No, It is somewhere in between. I guarantee if you are not a blathering idiot, you will love this game, it will give you hour of joy secreted into your blood stream. Ain't that a cute block puppy...

1). The World Ends With You

Would an emotional horses favourite DS game be anything less than TWEWY? I don't know how Square Enix pulled it off, It has a Beautiful story, A real soundtrack wrote especially for it, andawesome gameplay, this game is so great I almost cried when it ended, though Neku Sakuraba will be featured in the Kingdom Hearts 3d.

Jak and Daxter

Is this old enough to be retro...

old enough in horse years...

At one point in my existence I was like five years old and was not yet corrupted

by the bleakness of life, it was Christmas and in a neatly wrapped box was a

shiny, new Playstation 2 ,a copy of Jak and Daxter and some crappy 3d frogger game. Upon opening it, I said "What is it?" as it was my first games console.

So, the game starred with two troubled making kids sneaking on a forbidden island

that there elder told them not to go to, and one of them fall into it pit of a substance called

"Dark Eco" and being morphed into an orange ferret like creature, and you have to

collect 100 pieces or oracle technology

Anyway, to the game itself. This game was one of the only good 3d platformers

to fallow the death of Rare, which in my opinion was the start of why games today are

so... much alike... I like FPSs and all but I need a bit of creativity...

This game had beautiful graphics, and people were impressed by how semi-open-world

it was, you could pretty go anywhere... There is snowy mountains, crystal caves, and and a big

bird you can ride! the platforming is fun and the fighting is fun, the environments are realistically

laid-out, the characters are creative, and best of all there is this one step in the first level that you always trip over.

This game is one of the ten best games on the ps2 and one of my personal top ten games

of all time, this my parcially be because of the good memories attached to it, even though if you have a ps2 and you haven't played it yet... DO SO... or you could pick up a copy of the

Jack and Daxter HD collection...

89/100 stars

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...I'm going to go smoke a fag...

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...*neigh*

NEW REVIEW: LEMMINGS

platform: Amiga, Sega megadrive, SNES, DS and GBA homebrew, and GBC.

Greeting friend and lovers! we have a fabulous new review for you today.

(Oh god) Anyway today we are reviewing my seventh favorite game of

all time: Lemmings!..

Okay, if my memory serves me properly this game was free with all Amiga

computer systems, soo if you were so poor that you could only afford the computer

you had a little game to play... How sweet...

BAM you start the machine, plug in the floppy disc, cartridge, whatever maybe it

was just installed onto your Amiga, I don't know I wasn't alive... I mean how long

do horses live anyway...

In this strategy game you command a bunch of lemmings in real time to keep a certain

percentage alive and get them to the goal. You can tell them to dig holes, make stairs, and

even hurl their bodies of cliffs only to save themselves with an umbrella. Back 1991 this game had totally wizard graphics, nice shading, the little lemmings walking loop was inexplicably smooth, all this came together fairly well with all there royalty free and public domain music

twinkling in the background. The only main problem is lemmings don't have green hair or bluecloaks (see fig.2)

fig. 2 "THIS IS A LEMMING!"

Enough of my hangups. This game is great, good enough to distract me from the coursing

sadness in my hooves. All this for one main reason, This game lasts so long, this game is

the Abba Zabba Bar of computer games, as it lasts forever and is still pretty good.

The game starts of very easy, but if you get to about level fifty you will begin to feel like a

horse, meaning you will want to bust a cap in your brain. Now this is the nifty bit, dispite all

the rage you will continue to play...

Now if you have a soul you will play this game and enjoy it, for today's modern crowd you

can play a port of it on your R4DS card or there is a shiny new psp version.

I GIVE THIS GAME 8/10 STARS

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why are you still here?

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come back later...

Welcome to Emotional Horse Retro Game Reviews.

Hey, If you are one of the [3] Humans who saw this website I would just like to let you know I was Of the grid

for a few months and Now I am starting the blog anew, or whatevs.

Sooooooo greeting TIME!

Hello, I am a horse.

I started this blog to hide my self from my infinite stack of factors

that make me a very emotional horse.

While I am here I will be doing a weekly retro game review, if I ever

manage to get out of this upsettingly ghetto brick of sorrow known as the

the....uhh... let's call it the "Computer Ghetto" for know.

Well anyway, if I get enough fans I'll do more than one a week.

Please do not hesitate to make suggestions

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Get the fuck out...

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Well, come back later...

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I fuckin' hate myself...

Review: Castlevania II - Belmot's Revenge

Game: Castlevania II - Belmot's Revenge

System: Gameboy

This is one of those games where the... people... where like "Oh my individual deity! It

is just like the one on Nintendo, OMFG".

Well, that is not true... It was a Gameboy game, but it was a pretty good one.

I know what your thinking "This dang horse presses the ENTER key to much"... Well

forget that and read this review.

So, Dracula has arrived. He had a battle with "Christopher" probably "Christopher

Belmot". Any way Dracula got dead for a while and he needs this guys Son, "Soleiyu"

to Revive himself. And WOW not just one but FOUR castles poof out of nowhere, now you

gotta...Kill? Dracula... to prevent him from being reborn?... Aaaah Castlevania.

To start off this game feels real good, you stay in the air just long enough, it is kinda slow but in a good way, and it is really hard... At least from the standard of today's gamers.

At first the graphics look pretty good and I guess they are. The backgrounds are good, but no, not like every individual brick is there or anything, Developers don't have time for that. On a tragic note, all moving objects are surrounded by ugly light green squares... Oh yeah this on Gameboy so it is monotone, take that into consideration.

So yeah, this game is hard... you will need to invest some time out of your puny human life into this game if you want to beat it, and if you don't beat it what is the point of getting it so you must learn how to BEAT IT... well they give you a few lives and if you loose them you can retry at the loss of (Oh god no) the points you acquired and retry, retry until you

BEAT IT!

what I give it:

Four hooves up, worth acquiring want a Gameboy game.

Well, now that I have some content I am going to post links about the internet,

TOODLES!

1st Review: Vectorman

Game: Vectorman

System: Sega Genesis

Well, Here I go! Not like it will make an impact on anything...

So like, man kind or whatever jacked up the earth and left a buttload of

"Orbots" to clean up, sounds like the set-up of Wall-"Orbots" to clean up, sounds like the set-up of

no happy robot adventure, you (Vectorman) have to defeat a evil robot

dictator and save the day! (Bleyghph!)

I have to say (for the time) the graphics are good enough to distract

me from the train wreck that is my life. Flags flap in the wind, the detail

is great, the sun shines through the water, and the sorta 3d bonus levels

are cool.

The controls on the game are about as tight as a Japanese school girl, it

feels really good to build up some speed and fly of a ledge. There are little

mini games between levels where you ride a train and shoot a monster

robot thing trying to hit you for...happiness? The levels are hard and the

bosses are harder, but that is good and normal for an old game.

Reasonable, It numbed the pain in several occasions.

Conclusion:

Over all, I am pleased... It kept me entertained just long enough to keep

me from the briefcase in my stable that contains a bottle of raspberry

vodka and a bottle of horse cyanide.

Four stars...In other words, worth playing.

My first review... they will grow in content and skill as time passes...

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GTFO!

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...But come back later.